My lightest weight as an adult was 188lbs-- 12lbs less than I weigh now. I was in law school and had a healthy appetite for Adipex (doctor prescribed, for all of you who just gasped). Even with the drugs, it was impossible for me to maintain that weight. I held below 190 for a couple of weeks, and then I never saw a number starting with 18 again. I was able to stay in the 190s while I kept popping Adipex, and then POOF, I got up to 324.6lbs. Ok, ok, it wasn't quite that fast a gain, but yes, it was that dramatic.
I was on the phone with Kenny last night (the bum is enjoying Florida while we are experiencing painfully cold weather in London), and I mentioned how my perspective regarding my weight is much different than it was the last time I lost. In 2004/2005, I felt HOT when I was around this weight. I was on the top of the world. I was also in my 20s, which might have had something to do with the opinion I had regarding my hotness. I feel much different this time around. I know I look good, but I feel that I still have a long way to go. And while I am comfortable saying that I look good, I am realistic enough that I have not elevated myself to the level of looking hot.
I feel that this change in perspective comes from different places. Some stems from the reality that I compare myself to others much more than I ever did before. I spend a lot of my day at the gym next to women who are in much better shape than I. Then I come home from the gym, log onto blogger and read about all of you successful bandsters-- most of whom weigh less than I do. I was bigger than most of you when I had surgery, and the sad reality is that I do still have a journey ahead of me. A lot of the change is probably that I know I can lose more this time around. I am not starving myself to lose this weight; I am working out and eating a healthy diet! I don't know what my final weight will be, but I do know that I am not at the end of the road yet. I never want to get overly obsessed with my weight, so I will continue to take my weight loss in 10lb increments.
Now back to my conversation with Kenny. I pretty much said the above to him (and said that I still see myself as fat), and he was kind of stunned. He is so proud of/pleased by my drastic transformation and made it abundantly clear that he would be fine if I never lost another pound. He is fine with me continuing to lose if that is what I want to do, but he doesn't think it is necessary. He also said that he just wants to make sure the I am healthy, lose weight in a healthy manner and that I really see how far I have come. I think he was a bit freaked out that I might be getting some sort of body dysmorphia or other condition where I see myself as much heavier than I am. This is certainly not the case, but I am still obese. I won't be for much longer though:)
Anyway, it is funny to see how I now view myself much differently than I had. I'd like to think some of this is because I now have the confidence to know that I can do better than my 2004/2005 low.
8 comments:
Of course you'll get past your 2004/2005 low and reach your goal, whatever it may be!
I think it does have a lot to do with the age difference between now and then, but also because of where you come from this time. You are doing amazingly and you will have no trouble getting below your previous low!
I could have written this post! When I was asked to choose a goal weight I said 175...not necessarily because I knew that would be a good weight for me but rather because that was the weight that I was when I got married (25 years ago) and I remember feeling good at that weight (not to mention that I was only 21)...but to be honest, I had absolutely no clue!!
When you're over 300 lbs starting out, even thinking about weighing 175 seems a bit far-fetched. Now, that I'm sitting here at 187, I'm starting to wonder if that is the right weight for me. At 175 I will still be considered overweight and in order to have a "normal" BMI I will have to get down to 154 and I don't really think that is realistic for me. My plan right now is to get down to 175 and then re-evaluate where I go from there.
First, you ARE hot!! Second, it definitely does change your perspective. I remember a time where I'd KILL to be 160 and now I am but I still feel heavy. I've adjusted and now I strive for even more. I honestly don't think this journey for us ever really ends. Even once we make it to "goal", it becomes a battel of maintenance. I think we'll continue to somewhat obsess because none of us ever want to go back to where we started.
Isn't funny how our perceptions change over time and depending on our weight... I have a hard time liking what I see in the mirror, even though I like the changes in me in the last few months... xxx
Too true -- and how great that Kenny is so supportive! I love seeing how amazingly you are doing. :) And, you're totally hot! :)
Really good post Nora. Hooray for the introspection and self-awareness that comes with experience...You can do and be anything you set your mind to, and enjoy the journey along the way!
I agree with Kenny. You are HOT, lady. Better start believing it, or I'm gonna have to kick your booty. :)
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