November 26, 2010-present weight loss

2012 weight loss

Monday, May 23, 2011

Spilling the Beans

I am a private person- always have been.  I don't share my life story with random women queueing for the bathroom at a restaurant, and I haven't shared my decision to have WLS with many people.  I first discussed my decision with my mom over dinner. This was in April 2010, when I was a VAV (Volcanic Ash Victim) and had to extend my time in NY/NJ by a week. I casually brought up the band a long time ago, before I was married, and she was 100% opposed to it. So... I figured I would try again. My mom has battled her weight for decades and understands what being overweight is like. I decided that if she thought I was nuts, I would probably drop the idea. If, however, she was on board, the next discussion would be with my husband.
During dinner we were discussing health, hers and mine, so it was the perfect opportunity. I told her that I was clearly losing the weight battle and that my health was very much in jeopardy. Then I waited. She thought that the Lap-Band was a great idea and even offered to help me pay for it (as my super premium insurance requires me to jump through hoops of fire and pull myself up by my bootstraps before it will even considering financing WLS... if only I were a man with erectile issues- then I would get treatment without an issue). I was shocked that she was so supportive. 
The more difficult discussion was with my husband.  My husband is slim and cute.  He weighs maybe 7 pounds more than he did when we met in 1997.  When he decides that he needs to lose 5 pounds, he squeezes his eyes shut, whispers to himself "I must lose 5 pounds" and does just that.  Picture Dorothy tapping her heels together three times and repeating "There's no place like home" before miraculously awakening in her bedroom in Kansas.  This is how my wonderful K loses weight.  I know that he has viewed my inability to successfully lose weight as a failure and feels (or at least felt prior to my WLS) that if I just TRIED hard enough, I would OVERCOME and WIN the battle of the bulge.  Ha!  Anyone who has struggled with his or her weight knows this is not the case.  Try telling this to a naturally thin person though.  After months of procrastinating, I finally spoke with him.  He wasn't happy.  He wanted me to go on a 6 month intense diet/work out regimen to prove that the surgery was necessary and (more importantly I think) prove TO HIM that I was committed to the whole process.  He felt that his way couldn't hurt.  While he was correct, I don't like being challenged when I am pretty certain of what is correct for me.  More importantly, I really felt that he was demeaning me by determining what was right for me.  Finally, I did what any smart woman would do- I enlisted my mother to convince him.  On one of our trips back home last year, my mom spoke with K when I was showering.  She expressed her feelings and told K that she would gladly pay for the surgery because she felt it was that important for me.  For some reason this really made a difference.  He still didn't LIKE the idea of WLS, but from that point forward he was at least willing to accept that it was right for me. 
I thought that only my mom and K would know, but I wound up telling a close girlfriend of mine (matron of honor in my wedding close) when she came to visit us in London last October.  My primary care physician had ordered a ridiculous number of tests before signing off on my surgery, and something was kind of funky on my ECG.  I wound up having a stress test while my friend was here, which led her to ask why I needed a stress test.  I figured that telling her was easier than lying (and it would be nice for my closest girlfriend to know), so I did just that.  Since October 2010, I have told nobody else... in the interest of full disclosure, two blogging bandsters know a well.  This was fine until I found out that my girlfriend told her husband, who nearly outed me to a mutual friend.  Even though he knew this was a private matter, he referred to my 'surgery', asked the mutual friend if she had seen me since my 'surgery' and then made what I found to be a underhanded comment about how only time would tell if the surgery would be a success or not... not supportive and not nice!  Our mutual girlfriend was really confused and wound up telling me what he said.  Lucky for me, I'd had surgery in January for a non-band issue, so she assumed that the odd surgical references were to my January procedure.  Still, this has made me less willing to spill the beans about my WLS.  
Now I come to my current issue- a close childhood friend (bridesmaid in my wedding) mentioned last week that she might be considering Lap-Band surgery.  She knows nothing of my surgery and hasn't mentioned anything about my weight loss (even though it is hard not to notice that I have lost 60+ pounds).  I am torn.  Part of me wants to tell her that I had the surgery.  If she is really interested in going through this, I highly recommend my doctor/practice.  I can also speak with her about life post-surgery, healing, diet, etc.  At the same time, I like my privacy.  I have learned that some people don't value privacy the way I do and that confidences are easily broken.  Do I want to risk her spilling the beans after I confide in her with the intention of helping her?  I don't think I want to take that chance.  The downside risk is just too high for me.  So for now I will sit back and watch to see what she decides.  I can always tell her at a later date if I decide it is prudent, but I cannot take my information back once it is out there.


Red Riding Hood said...

I had the same argument with my husband, but over 12 months before I considered the band. I was already seeing a weight loss doctor, and he was of the opinion that I just needed to try harder, do more. That I would rather sit and cry (as I did when we were having this "discussion"), and play the victim than to do anything about it. By that stage I had already lost 6 kilos and I felt like he was telling me I wasn't good enough. It nearly busted up our engagement. Thankfully I took him to see my Dr with me, and she helped him to see the light. He is fully on board with my surgery plans - thank goodness because I don't think I could do it without him. I am also not telling anyone.

Oops, sorry to leave an essay on your blog!

MandaPanda said...

Hi! Just found you through Catherine. I think if she's SERIOUS about the lapband, then you could tell her and she would keep your confidence since she'd most likely understand. If it's more of a fleeting thought for her, then I'd resist. I'd question her a bit more about it to gauge where she's at in the process.

Nora said...

@Red Riding Hood- glad hubby is finally on board. It is always better to have support!
@MandaPanda- I completely agree w you. I think I am going to wait for a bit and see if she is seriously pursuing this as an option. If she is, then I will divulge. If it is just a random idea, no need to invade my privacy:)

greenie said...

Nora, if you wouldn't mind sharing... I'm curious how Kenny feels about your WLS now that you've had success and are so much healthier and exercising regularly, etc... Does he still think you could have done it without the band? Even though my husband and I have decided to divorce, he's STILL harping on me about how opposed to me having WLS he is and if I really tried I could do it on my own.
Thanks, Kerri